I would walk
dawn was right, sometimes the comfort of old friends is what you need. talking to stef made me feel better, and at least i know that there is at least one person who is going through the exact same things. exams ended this afternoon.. a welcome relief... after trying my best to shelve off all emotion, now i need some time off. to be alone, to take stock, to see where we go from here.
looked through my old photos to find pictures... only to realise that my bad habit of not wanting to take pictures of myself leaves me with nothing much but group photos. i guess sometimes what you want to see is not you, but the other person on the other half of the picture.
its hard to imagine that exactly two mays ago we finished our season, dissapointed but still united. we laughed, we cried.. last year before i left she was still all chirpy and optimistic, trying to bat in the new rj campus. now i fear time will erase all the memories. i still remember so many things... her voice, especially when she said her trademark "erps", "hah?", and "guysssss"; her interesting sense of humor; her "cute butt", and the subsequent joke about "squeezing butts" during games"; how the sight of plastic covers on the conveyor belts at sake sushi would irritate her; how she and the rest would laugh at me because i only eat crab (fake or not) on sushi; how we would hitch rides from ili's dad or dawn's mom to get to games at kallang and back on weekends because we all lived along the same stretch of road; how it would always rain if she put on her boots and walked onto the netball court first; how she made you feel comfortable the way you were; the sight of her coming up to me in her catcher's mask during games, telling me to relax and slow down because i sometimes was too stubborn to do so; how she was ever so patient when we first started in the women's league and our innings would last super-long cos we couldn't get 3 players out and she had to catch as long as it took; how she and stef suffered incessant bruising from ili's and my pitching hence the term "bruise sisters"; i still remember how she cried when coach cried when we unexpectedly lost to tp, next to the wooden bench on the field; her floppy black glove; her cap which had "joan" sewn on in green thread; how she tricked me into thinking mrs teng stopped training early on my brithday; the post-training meals; the rainy days; the sunny days; the rj field; the ri field....
the list goes on and on, each part of the larger picture, that only captures a small part of what we're feeling now, but maybe the only tangible things we can hold on to. i'm sure she's in a better place now. looking down at us and pointing, wondering why we cry. maybe i have no right to cry at all, i wasn't there when it was most important...
it rained when she left the church on saturday, so it has to mean that somewhere, somehow, she tried to go out to play, cursing silently under her breath as the first drops of rain pelted down....
500 miles;2:33 am
